There are times when you grow up that you wonder where did my life go. Where was I, when I left my life to latch on to someone else’s? What we fail to realize is the fact that we grew up. We are not the kids that we were, when we wrote out on a piece of paper where we were going to be in 10 years or so. I know I am not that little girl back on 23rd street in Philly any more. Being home recently made me realize it. I actually grew up a lot. I am not saying that I don’t have much more to do, but once reality hit me that I will never be that gymnast, or that girl that swore she was just one of the guys again. What I had to do was sit back and reread the goals that I had set for myself and think deeply on what to do with that information. I said that I was going to get married, have 2 kids, 2 dogs, and a house with a white picket fence. It seems as though I forgot to mention a career, did I have plans on becoming a housewife or that was one thing that I just forgot to write out. I do remember that I wanted to be a lawyer, doctor, and anything that seemed like it was going to make me some money. But when it seems like I forgot to write out my goals, it seems like I didn’t plan for my future career wise just the accessories that people tend to want in life. When we mention goals we tend to not just think about the future of everyone around our lives but just to ourselves. As kids we only look to what we hear is the right thing to put down. Here I am at 30 years old, not married, no children, one dog, and no real career goal. Where have I failed myself in the aspect of myself 10 years to 15 yrs ago? I wanted to be a writer and I still do. I would say that I am but I am not getting paid to do so, so I have to say I want. What I never really realized was you can put your fingers to the letters, or pen to paper but you have to complete everything else as well in order to call yourself a writer. I want to write the greatest love story ever written, but in order to do that I have to start from my heart. Truth is told we all have a love story in our hearts. There are times when I wonder though, like I wonder who am I, why am I here. What am I doing?
Are we supposed to be in love with ourselves as much as we love our loved ones? Are we supposed to treat ourselves like we treat our loved ones? If we are supposed to then I am failing myself miserably. I have been in love, out of love and promised myself that I would never do it again type love only to turn around to do it all again. Maybe if I put myself first then I wouldn't go though the things that I do. Maybe if I treated myself the way I treat others then I wouldn't feel as I do. I try to do everything possible to make sure that the ones that I love know it. But it gets hard. I mean really hard. My mind has blocked so many things from entering, and yet my heart won’t block anything at all. I try to retreat to just breathing air alone but for some reason it seems like the air is being sucked from my body. Again I say I want to write the greatest love story ever written, but it is hard. The words aren’t coming to me, no matter how long I meditate. I know I can write plenty of things but it is love that I choose to write about. I never get tired of reading about love. But writing is a little different. I haven’t written a good “ I really don’t like you right now” poem in a long time.
When you think of a love story you have to think of everything else as well. There are plenty of feelings that come along with it. You have the love itself, hurt, disappointments, and the faith to keep going through it all again. When you think of love there will always be a conflict between your brain and your heart. Someone once told me to “just ask and listen to your gut as well as your brain. Your gut is trying to tell you something very important. You are never to listen to your heart, only because your heart is a liar. It lies to you, because it loves the feeling of being in love. It lies to you because it is supposed to just have that feeling of love in it not the deceit part. I don’t know why I am telling you this you wrote it”.
I wrote this a long time ago. I just seem to forget until I hear someone else say the same exact thing. There will always be questions that women want to ask but yet they are scared to find out what the answer really is going to be. It is a struggle sometimes because your heartbeats so loud sometimes it drowns out the yelling that your brain is doing. But then you have those days when your brain is telling you something isn't right and it gives you this gut feeling. Sometimes it starts out with the dreams that just don't seem to sit too well with you. Then the doubt sets in. A lot of times your brain is right, but there are times that your brain just wants to protect you from harm. So I am going to leave you with this what do you listen to... You brain or your Heart?
