My Realty

Your perception is not my reality. My reality lies behind the depths of my eyes. You know they say that your eyes are the windows to our souls.  At times we try to deny whats in front of us to the point we start to believe our own lies.  I have come to the realization that when I'm sleeping or tired or just when my inhibitions are down there is a veil that is lifted. I see things and have dreams that 9 times out of 10 comes true. I have been like this since I was a child and it still scares me. I never know how to react to it. Lets take last night for instance. My uncle passed 7 years ago. I have dreams of him and others often. I love seeing them when I'm having a not so good day it eases my mind.  But yesterday was different. I had a great day. I worked, wrote, thought to myself, and did yoga and left it all on the mat. Well when I went to sleep last night I wasn't thinking of my Uncle Jimmy not because he isn't here but, because I was thinking more about the hair blog I had just written. But somehow we ended up on my grandmother's porch in Philadelphia.  We were laughing and talking like we used to do. Then he told me he had to go. I woke up with my chest feeling heavy. And said to myself I need to call him. I proceeded to pick up the phone turned it on and his picture was staring back at me.  I was on facebook and my Aunt Dee posted a message about today being his birthday. I dont remember birthdays but I can remember deaths. Where I was, who I was with, what dream I had. Yes, my reality. Kind of morbid but its mine. There are a lot of people who are like me but like me they deny it. Dont want to see it for what it is. It depresses you. Well I know it does me.   Not really knowing if the dream you had is truth or just that... a dream. So as I am typing this out tears are rolling because I said I will do a better job of being truthful with myself and blog to myself more. I dont know if anyone reads my words other than me. But this is my reality not the perception of what I want people to see of me. Each time I write a blog, poem, or do anything with my heart in it, I lay a piece of my soul along with it. Welcome to my reality......

Garvey

A little over 4 months ago we we welcomed a new puppy into our home. Some may say why, but I believe there is a reason for everything that happens. You see for so long I have denied the idea whenever he brought up the subject of getting a new dog. We have two dogs already. We have Ginger and Davidson. So when I decided to say yeah I was a little surprised myself. Even the day we went to go pick up Garvey it was still like I can say never mind at any point. But once I saw him I just couldn't say that no matter what we went through tobget him.

When we got him he was 4months old and 14 lbs. If your not familiar with German Shepherds he was severely underweight. But with time and an adjustment period he was able to fit right in with the rest of our pack. He now weighs 57 lbs. When he came to us you were able to see his rib cage. And with this not being our first dog we realized there was a lot of work that we needed to do with him.  He is the sweetest puppy. We will keep everyone updated as he grows with us. 

yoga

Someone once told me that Yoga isn't a real workout. Or better yet a workout at all.. Well I have been doing yoga for a lil while now and I will tell you that it is a work out. It stretches your muscles that you never knew you had. It isn't just a workout for the physical but the mental as well. When I am having a day from hell which isn't often I walk to my Yoga studio and leave it on the mat. 

When I say I leave it on the mat.. One thing I have realized is when running a business your mind is always going. There is always formulations, ingredients, questions, blogs everything going through your mind. Well when you walk into the studio your mind goes blank. When I get on that mat it is all gone. My mind goes blank and I think of nothing more than that next move. Sometimes the pain of the previous move. The more you breathe you can go farther. It is kind of like life itself. You breathe you can go deeper. It's more about conquering  the fear of those I cants and the unwavering fear of the unknown. It isn't about the pose or what the next person is doing. It isn't a competition. The only competition is you and your head space. Once you get out of your own head and breathe you will be ok. As long as you push your self pass your own limits each time you will get it. 

Fear

Fear cripples us. You may say wow she jumped right out with it. Well yes. Fear is one of our handicaps. Our kryptonite for my superman fans. It causes us to hold back and not accomplish what we want because we are afraid. Fear isn't a bad thing unless you don't face it. I for one am afraid of change and failure. And I have went through a lot of change in the past few years alone. I had a fear of becoming someone's wife, of becoming a parent, of having my own business, of letting things go, moving, getting hearing aids, and the list goes on. As you can see my fear was change.

I feared that I wouldn't be a good wife but, I couldn't see myself as anything other than Steve's wife. I didn't have to be pushed blindfolded off that metaphorical cliff. With him standing by my side I wouldn't have been able to be scared. He calms me more than he knows.

I feared of becoming someone's mother.. I have a terrific step son. But what I'm speaking of is a child with my genes. The thing that my fear was attached to was my hearing loss and it being passed down. For years I didn't acknowledge it. I adapted and figured I was doing great but I didn't want to subject a child to it. I didn't want hearing aids because then my secret would be out. Hell I liked it when people thought I was a great listener instead of knowing I was reading their lips. I didn't want my child to be raised with a "defect" as I saw it. But when I met and fell in love with my husband I couldn't think of anything else. I mean my amazing mother raised me and I turn out amazingly terrific if I should say so myself. Steve along with my mother talked me into hearing aids. You see I wear glasses and have been wearing them for what seems like forever.. Whats the difference right? I still didn't want anyone to know my secret but hey every super hero has a secret right.

One of my biggest fears was moving clear across the country from my mother. You see one thing many that knows me knows I'm a mommas girl. That fear of leaving my mothers nest. Now don't get me wrong I have moved a lot. The cross country move wouldn't have been the first time I moved away from my mom. But the others were closer moves to where if I needed to it was only a 2-3 hr drive back home. I was at the airport on the day I left trying to come up with a reason as to why I shouldn't leave. I wasn't leaving to start a new job but to start a new life with Steve. But again Steve was there as it seems like he always is. FEAR of something new.

Now the biggest fear I have ever had in my life is starting a business. That fear wasn't due to change by more so due to failure. There were so many questions in my head. Were we ready? What if no one likes what we put out? What if no one buys? What if my vision is wrong? And so many more what ifs. I wish I could tell you that once again Steve didn't have to blindfold me and push me off that cliff. But he did and that push was hard. What I learned is, failure is nothing bad. What is bad about the fear of failure is letting it control how you react to it.

I have learned that fear will always lurk in the shadows of the unknown.  Change and failure are my Achilles heel, my kryptonite when it comes to my fears. But if you push through the fear, granted it isn't easy at all. There may be some hyperventilating, a lot of tears, many restless nights. But that is your breaking point. Keep pushing or find your Steve who is always willing to push you off that cliff. Face your fears.